The Top Ten Worst Final Fantasy Characters of All Time
An unbiased, franchise-spanning retrospective
A series of recent conversations with friends and fellow gamers has unexpectedly necessitated I take a brief break from our regularly scheduled programming here to discuss a topic near and dear to my heart.
I am proud of the work we have done lately exposing the varied and vile forms of corpo-governmental mind control we are being subjected to on a daily basis, and combatting the looming annihilation of liberty, creativity, and the human spirit by inexorable, self-replicating swarms of Anti-Life assimilation bots. However, a far greater, far more grievous threat has festered unchecked and unaddressed.
That threat… is Final Fantasy 8.1
It seems that misconceptions still persist among venerable tribal elders concerning FF8, and that many younglings are blithely, blissfully unaware of the Lovecraftian doom it once wreaked upon the world back in the Olden Times… of 1999, when it served as the cruel conclusion to game developer Square’s unparalleled “Decade of Dominance.” These are bitterly earned lessons that we must never forget. And so, as a public service, I hope you will indulge me on a quick detour to resurrect an old article of mine from a past life and humbly share it with all of you in the hopes of fortifying our cultural ramparts against the ravages of this foul scourge. That article is copied below for your perusal. I only pray it is not too late.
[Note: The list below is a completely objective—fair and balanced—look at the entirety of the Final Fantasy franchise. Any seeming disparities in, say, a certain title’s frequency of appearance on this list is entirely imagined, completely coincidental, and in no way should be construed as a bias against the horrible, blasphemous, digital dumpster firaga that is Final Fantasy 8. Thank you for your understanding.]
The Top Ten Worst Final Fantasy Characters of All Time
10. Zell (FF8)
He’s a chicken-wuss. He loves hot dogs. He has a stupid tattoo and a dumb, punky haircut. I’m pretty sure he has a limit break where he runs around the entire world. God, that’s horrible. I’d rather see someone get uppercut with a dolphin. He has no other traits or actions by which to judge him because, like the rest of the FF8 goonies, he has amnesia from too much “summoning.” I hear that gives you hairy palms, too. Oh, and he nearly chokes to death on a hot dog like the little girl in Field of Dreams except nowhere near as cool.2 It’s his favorite food, but apparently he hasn’t figured out how to fucking eat it without dying.
9. Irvine (FF8)
Speaking of choke jobs, Jesus Christ, what a mess. I still remember when the time finally came for our pimped-out, trench coat-clad marksman to take out that naughty sorceress at the Arc de Triomphe. He was in position, locked and loaded, and then… he pissed his pants and hid in the corner Blair Witch-style. Turns out his big character point was that he was really a chicken-wuss, too! Didn’t see that one coming!
8. Sorceress What’s-Her-Name (FF8)
Edea. Ultimecia. Whatever. No one cares; even she just wants to deny all existence anyway. I would too if I was stuck in FF8. What in the hell was going on with this character? One minute I’m fighting T-Rex and playing Magic: The Gathering with my mercenary training academy SEED orphanage school chums, the next minute the chick from Parasite Eve in a ballroom gown is trying to “compress time?” What does that even mean? I don’t care enough to go back and play the game in Japanese to see if that was just a terrible translation or if the original idea was really that dumb. I suspect the latter.3 All I know is her plan basically meant summoning Castlevania, and then eating a Limit Break buffet, and then dying. I hate that stupid plan, and I hate this character.
7. Fujin and Raijin (FF8)
These two are always together, so they count as one character. That’s actually being generous since between the two of them they barely have enough personality or story involvement to constitute a single character. One has Tourette’s and an eye patch. In Japan, that constitutes “character.” They argue. Wow, that’s deep. They never grow, learn, or change, which may be fine for Seinfeld characters (to keep the dated, 90s references going), but it really sucks in a wannabe epic RPG.
6. Selphie (FF8)
She’s happy. Even when she goes back to her school and finds out her friends are dead. She almost showed a glimmer of character for a second there, but luckily she got over it. Other than that, um, let’s see. She wears yellow! That’s… something, I guess. She loves trains. Oh, who am I kidding? This character is a pointless travesty.
5. Professor Peppermint Ovaltine (FF8)
This is the dumb fuck from Esthar who invented space travel. Guess how he does it? He ties a toboggan to a giant rubber band, and then he literally slingshots you into space where a giant net catches you. That has gotta be the stupidest idea I have heard of: worse than a land war in Asia, worse than New Coke™, worse than a gunblade. It’s worse than everything. He lives in a world with magic, monsters (which, ironically, “fall” from the moon, wow), and airships, but that is the best idea he could think of. Better yet, people love it! I still don’t understand why exactly I had to get slingshot-ed into space. Or why I was playing Magic: The Gathering with a guy on the space station seconds before it exploded. But I do know that this professor looks—and is—stupid.
4. Seifer (FF8)
I just don’t know where to start. He’s like Squall. But he sucks even more at everything he does. He has a scar, which, much like an eye patch, constitutes character development. He uses something called a “gunblade,” a melee weapon that can run out of ammo, the dumbest weapon invented since the boomerang, which in turn was created with the expectation that you would miss. He’s just another in a long line of bland JRPG and anime “rival” characters. He does nothing… oh, except randomly KILL ODIN! Yeah, sure, why not?
3. Butz (FF5)
What a stupid name.4
2. Rinoa (FF8)
And your little dog, too. Rinoa starts off pretty strong as the "princess" of "Avalanche Lite (Forest Owls Chapter) Terrorist Cell and Teen Zine," but she is quickly relegated to spending the entire game heartily annoying the hormonally challenged wunderkind, Squall, with praise, affection and awkward advances. I’ve seen some strange couples in my day, but I have never seen a more ridiculous combination or a more pathetic attempt at a love story than what took place with Rinoa and Squall. Predator was a more compelling love story. Rinoa would have gotten better conversation talking with her dog, the ludicrously named Sant' Angelo di Roma (“Angelo” for short), though I don't think you really like your dog very much if blast it off a wrist-rocket face-first into horned Behemoths.
But enough about the dog! I hate Rinoa. I hate her mishmash shorts-and-dress combo. It’s the gunblade of fashion—it sucks. I hate that she has no background or motivation. I hate that Squall carries her across a bridge the width of the Pacific Ocean. I hate that she is a sorceress… I guess, honestly, after Professor Peppermint shot me into space and then sent me to Castlevania to fight against Bahamut, I kinda lost track of the already pungent story.
1. Squall (FF8)
I wasted all of my items in the first 10 minutes of Kingdom Hearts just because I wanted to beat Squall’s ass so badly, only to find out that I was stuck with this pathetic loser as a bosom buddy for the rest of the damn game. I cannot express in words how much I loathe this character. But I will try. He is a mopey, worthless, fluffy-collar, necklace-wearing, straight-permed, tight-pantsed, whiny-if-he-talks-at-all, no-dimensional pixel pile. He is wholly unlikable, uninteresting, and unoriginal. During the entire grueling “game,” I wished only for him to spontaneously combust in a puff of collar fluff, belt buckles, and "Whatever"s.
Like I was saying, it’s impossible to put into words. He is kind of like Cloud from FF7, if Cloud never remembered he had a personality. Ironically, I think that Squall said it best himself when he pithily observed, and I quote, “…Whatever.”
Dishonorable Mentions
Quistis (FF8)
She didn’t make the list because I am still not sure that she is a character. She has no background, no personality, and plays no part in the “story.” She may be a glitch. Hi-Potions have more character. I kid you not: if you look her up on the Final Fantasy Fandom page, the first line under “Personality” is “Uses a whip.” That about sums it up, folks!
Zazz “Blammymatazz” Fitzroy (FFXIII)
That’s not Photoshopped. A chocobo lives in his afro.
Laguna (FF8)
Tricked you! He is legitimately great! This is the ultimate kick in the trousers from FF8. Laguna is a complicated, comical, and oft-conflicted character who has lived a life filled with adventure and romance, tragedy and triumph. He is also the single most important person in the FF8 world, bravely leading the nation of Esthar while daily battling the guilt of having sired the abomination that is Squall. So, it is pretty awesome that—after establishing all this through a series of fleeting flashbacks that serve as merciful respite from mind-numbing side quests, button-mashing summons, and interminable drawing of Ultimas for the game’s broken Junction System—you finally get to actually meet this pivotal character… only so he can ride the pine on your airship and contribute absolutely nothing. Sweet!
Yes, I know technically it should be Final Fantasy VIII, but the risk of someone erroneously reading the Roman numerals as “VII” instead of “VIII” in haste and confusing the demonic travesty of FF8 with the glorious masterpiece that is FF7 is too appalling a prospect to allow.
Yes, I know Zell actually loves “bread” in the original Japanese version, which somehow makes it even lamer and more stupefying that he managed to nearly choke to death eating it. Obligatory shout out to Chris Christie, KIM JONG HOT DOGS, the Garden State Zell.
Yes, I eventually broke down and checked. “Time Compression” is indeed a literal translation from the Japanese phrase 時間圧縮. So, I was right: the idea is just dumb.
I didn't play ff8 I loved the under appreciated ff9 and Chrono trigger to death
Im only surprised you didn't mention the crappy gil earning system. Ff8 was better than ffx2 though(outfit changes midbattle as a mechanic was beyond stupid)