This Little Piggy Went Home

A heartfelt sendoff for the Chris Christie campaign

My slight update to Chris Christie’s campaign website.

[Disclaimer: This post is satire. I do not claim to own any of the images.]

It was a helluva run.

Well, not so much a run as a waddle, but, by God, Chris Christie, waddled his small, struggling, lard-filled heart out in this year’s Republican primary race: the only race he had run in since elementary school when his mother promised him additional Lunchables if he participated in gym class.

Nonetheless, Chris Christie has officially “suspended” his campaign (like he is really going to “reactivate” it or something) and dropped out of the presidential race. “Hot mic” audio of Christie bragging about his campaign “punching above its weight” really was the perfect way for him to go out, too.

This means America will have to wait at least another four years to finally see its first president who is made up entirely of nitrates. Like mom, baseball, and hot dogs, Christie was a true American original. While other candidates were debating free condoms, Christie was fighting for free condiments! While other candidates were talking big, Christie was being big! While other candidates were obsessively whining about Trump, Christie was… um, okay, well, let’s move on, shall we? (Though I should note, there are actually fun theories that Christie was secret MAGA all along! “It was MAGAtha all along♪” No, I personally do not think this was the case.)

However, I have not come to mourn the loss the Christie campaign, but to celebrate it! Over the past weeks, we have had a lot of fun thanks to Christie. And I do mean “we,” as many of the great ideas surrounding our grassroots support for Chris Christie here came from our great cult community, so all credit and thanks to YOU for making these last months a fun-filled buffet of Christie comedy. I strongly encourage people to click on some of the notes below because the replies from my brilliant readers are often way funnier than my original note haha.

So, as we say goodbye to Chris Christie—THE SUPREME LEADER, KIM JONG HOT DOGS HIMSELF—let us embark on a wistful and whimsical waddle down memory lane.

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“And your little hot dog, too!”

You know I like to pull back the curtain when I can here at The Temple (much to the Pythia’s dismay) and give all of you a peek at how the magic is made. So, let me tell you, when I started writing comical quips about Christie, I had no idea it would become a running gag. (I mean, we can all imagine Christie gagging, but running? Never.) Speaking of which, here is another piece of esoteric wisdom:

I really should have kept track of these notes though because then I would have had a list of all of them for easy reference. Let this be a lesson! As it stands, the legend of SUPREME LEADER KIM JONG HOT DOGS grew faster than his waistline and wasted campaign funds, so when I decided to create this retrospective it meant sifting through a lot of notes to try and pluck out the Christie classics. Some may be lost to the misty antiquity of last month’s Internet, but I think a great place to begin this journey is with the invention of the Crypto Christie: the first digital currency accepted for use at all major sidewalk hot dog vendors in New Jersey. Upon seeing the coin, sources close to Christie claimed he jubilantly oinked: “Eat Pluribus Hot Dogs! That’s my jawn!” though reports vary. Special thanks to

Jessica J

for her support of this important initiative.

As if by Providence, with the minting of this patriotic new coin we were off and running with a charcuterie of Christie morsels. *Cue sad music and blurry emotional montage*

Allow to interrupt this flashback for a moment to point out that the above note introduced another important lore element into the Christieverse—that of Chris’s true nature as GLORIOUS SUPREME LEADER KIM JONG HOT DOGS, THE GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER OF HOT DOGS! Special thanks to Comrade

Phisto Sobanii

for once again immediately embracing my insane premise and running with it to hysterical ends. If you dive into some of these notes, this explains the caps-locked portions.

Ahem, where were we? Oh yes, Chris Christie.

Kudos to

Koshmarov

(and Skynet) for creating the masterpiece above.

Shout out here to

Theodore Atkinson

(a.k.a. “Teddy Truthbombs”) for the above reply including this fantastic WKUK sketch that could not be more appropriate.

Yes, that is based on an actual Bible passage.

Tragically, Christie’s final, noble, altruistic hot dog sacrifice could not save his campaign, and today we are left with a gigantic, galactic, Christie-sized void in our lives. I’m sure I speak for everyone alive when I say, “I shall miss him.” In retrospect, Christie may have made some mistakes, but he never missed a steak. And for that, I say…

My only regret is that I will now never get to make that “Houthi and the Blowfish” joke I had lined up on the off chance that Christie became Commander in Chief.