The Harvey Dent Awards: Howard Stern
You either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain.
I am ecstatic to welcome you to the first annual Harvey Dent Awards! Glamour and glitter, fashion and fame… The Harvey Dent Awards have it all!
Named for the two-faced Gotham district attorney, the illustrious Harvey Dent Award is bestowed upon exceptional individuals who best exemplify both:
Dent’s dualistic character
The ideal expressed in his famous aphorism: “You either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain.”
The recipients must be people who have gone from a champion of freedom to an instrument of oppression. And, they must be woefully, or even willfully, ignorant of any hypocrisy, any change, any contradictions in their ethos or behavior. They will be a hero who has, indeed, lived long enough to become the villain.
Now, without further ado, I have the distinct honor and pleasure to present the first ever recipient of the prestigious Harvey Dent Award1…
[I produce an envelope from the interior pocket of my suit jacket. I delicately open the envelope and pull out a small, white card. My eyes widen.]
Mr. Howard Stern!
To quote comedian and political podcaster, Jimmy Dore, “Howard Stern is an OLD BITCH!”
Yes, he is, Jimmy. Yes, he is.
The self-proclaimed “King of All Media” began building his empire way back in the mid-1980s by being a ribald, raucous shock-jock who jubilantly flaunted authority and social conventions at every opportunity.
Old Stern fought FCC government regulations and once tried to force obsessive-compulsive mysophobe Harry Mandel to touch doorknobs for laughs. New Stern crusades for the government and hid in his own house for years because he was scared of germs.
Let’s take a trip down memory lane and admire how far Stern has come on his path to being a Harvey Dent Award-winner…
Old Howard Stern (2005):
”Don't let the government win.”Old Howard Stern (2008):
”I have vowed, I will never vote for a Democrat again. No matter who they are, I don't care if God becomes a Democrat. These Democrats are Communists; this is Communism. This is Gangsterism. This is crazy!”Old Howard Stern (2011):
”I love America. I love our freedom. And nowhere could a guy like me, a schlub like me have success with—where would I get this freedom of speech? They don't allow this anywhere.”
Stern certainly was passionate! However, by 2020, he had lived long enough to see himself go from the people’s free speech hero to elitist establishment villain...
New Howard Stern (2020):
”I don’t hate Donald [Trump]. I hate you for voting for him, for not having intelligence.”New Howard Stern (2021):
”Fuck them. Fuck their freedom. I want my freedom to live. I want to get out of the house already. I want to go next door and play chess. I want to go take some pictures. This is bullshit.”New Howard Stern (2022):
”If it was up to me, anyone unvaccinated would not be admitted to a hospital. At this point, they’ve been given plenty of opportunity to get the vaccine. They’ve been told that they will die if they don’t have the vaccine. Some of you will live, but most of you will die. And they don’t trust our government. They think there is a conspiracy to turn them into a magnet or something like this.”
My word, what an exciting trip down memory lane; it is almost like we were talking to two different people! And that is precisely why two-faced Howard Stern is our historic, inaugural recipient of the coveted Harvey Dent Award.
[I place the notecard back in the envelope, and then place the envelope back in my suit jacket pocket. I then take the award trophy off the podium and hand it to Mr. Stern. The star-studded audience erupts in applause.]
With that, I would like to thank everyone for attending this evening’s festivities. I am humbled and honored to have been in such esteemed company. Who knows? With a little bit of persistence and a whole lot of pandering, you too could find yourself on the red carpet! But, whether you are in the audience or at the podium, I look forward to seeing you all again at the next, highly anticipated… Harvey Dent Awards!
Brilliant!!
Brilliant! And Stern was no doubt more than a worthy candidate for the winning of such an award! Nice to see fair and balanced judgment still exists! Well done!