The Harvey Dent Awards: Arnold Schwarzenegger

You either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain.

I am ecstatic to welcome you to the second annual Harvey Dent Awards! Glamour and glitter, fashion and fame… The Harvey Dent Awards have it all!

Named for the two-faced Gotham district attorney, the illustrious Harvey Dent Award is bestowed upon exceptional individuals who best exemplify both:

1. Dent’s dualistic character

2. The ideal expressed in his famous aphorism: “You either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain.”

The recipients must be people who have gone from a champion of freedom to an instrument of oppression. And, they must be woefully, or even willfully, ignorant of any hypocrisy, any change, any contradictions in their ethos or behavior. They will be a hero who has, indeed, lived long enough to become the villain.

Now, without further ado, I have the distinct honor and pleasure to present the latest recipient of the prestigious Harvey Dent Award¹…

[I produce an envelope from the interior pocket of my suit jacket. I delicately open the envelope and pull out a small, white card. My eyes widen.]

Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger!

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Patriotism on steroids

Freedom is the cornerstone of The Great American Project. As such, it is no surprise to find exceptional Americans have spoken eloquently and passionately on behalf of this sacrosanct principle throughout history. A few examples, if I may:

“Freedom is not a gift bestowed upon us by other men, but a right that belongs to us by the laws of God and nature.”
— Benjamin Franklin, founding father of America and portly kite enthusiast

“The liberties of our country, the freedom of our civil constitution, are worth defending at all hazards; and it is our duty to defend them against all attacks.”
— Samuel Adams, founding father of America and of a middling beer company

“The price of freedom is eternal vigilance.”
— Thomas Jefferson, founding father and 3rd president of America

“And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual: ‘Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!’”
— Martin Luther King Jr., martyred civil rights leader

“SCREW YOUR FREEDOM!!!”
— Arnold Schwarzenegger, Austrian Former-Governator of Commiefornia

And one final quotation, this one from Aaron Singerman, owner of supplement company RedCon1, “Anyone who says ‘screw your freedoms’ is un-American….”

Quite true, Aaron! This is clearly quite true. And, I salute Aaron for putting his money where his mouth is and dropping his sponsorship of the Arnold Classic event in response. (Sure, Aaron went to prison for selling illegal steroids at his previous venture, but hey, he’s out now and has turned over a new leaf. Plus, what better qualification could a guy have to discuss America and Arnie than going to jail for selling steroids!?)

To better understand just what makes Arnie’s quotation worthy of the exclusive Harvey Dent Award, let us go back in time, like some Skynet killing machine, and retrace the path Schwarzenegger traveled on his quest to be the very best… like no one ever was.

The Austrian-born Arnold Schwarzenegger moved to America in 1968 and first rose to prominence in the world of professional bodybuilding in 1970, becoming the youngest Mr. Olympia ever at the age of 23. That same year, he would get his first film role as the titular Hercules in Oscar-snub Hercules in New York, but it was not until the 1980s that Schwarzenegger was catapulted into superstardom through a series of iconic roles in hit films, from Conan the Barbarian and The Terminator to Predator and Twins. He became a hero to a generation. Decades of blockbusters later, “Ah-nahld” would enter the third (and God willing, final) stage of his celebrity when he was elected “The Governator” of California in 2003, an office he held until 2011. (We’ll skip past that whole Celebrity Apprentice debacle.)

Wow, what a heart-warming, all-American success story!

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Cue the trombones!

Old Arnie was a wide-eyed, broad-shouldered, hard-working immigrant from a humble (albeit Nazi, nobody’s perfect) home who fled “yodeling in the Alps” for the freedom and opportunity of America, where he found fame and fortune! A rugged individualist and (ostensibly) Republican leader who swore an oath defend the Constitution, and who… married a Kennedy… aaaaand pushed through a $3-billion bond measure to fund embryonic stem cell research while California faced record deficits? Hmph. Well… he also… um, allegedly sexually assaulted a lot of women?

[I take glance down at the card in my hand nervously. I flip it over several times, as if hoping the text might magically change with each new flip.]

OK, so Arnold was always a freaking mess.

But, old Arnie did have one thing going for him besides his bulging biceps: he at least seemed to represent the traditional, distinctly American ideal that, with hard work and a dream, anyone could achieve greatness in the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave!♪

New Arnie bravely terminated that misconception by repeatedly bashing anyone opposed to deceitful, Draconian medical mandates, and playing defense for authoritarian Democrats against his (ostensibly) fellow Republicans. Perhaps he just assumed everyone else could also spend years of devastating, tyrannical lockdowns partying on their palatial estate with their cadre of dogs and domestic donkeys.

This is a real photo.

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Let’s take a look at some of the sentiments Arnie has expressed.

• Old Arnie (2000):
  “Never follow the crowd, go where it’s empty.”
  

• Old Arnie (2009), listing off his rules for success, other than marrying a Kennedy:
  “Rule number two is: Break the rules. We have so many rules in life about everything. I say break the rules. Not the law, but break the rules.”
  

However, by 2020, he had lived long enough to see himself go from the brash iconoclast to elitist establishment villain…

• New Arnie (2021), lying and sowing intolerance while warning against lying and sowing intolerance. Also, fascinatingly, struggling to liken the January 6th false flag event to Kristallnacht when I’d assumed he’d see how much more closely it resembled the Reichstag Fire (unless of course, he is one of those individuals that believe Kristallnacht was also a false flag, and is actually playing 5D chess):

  
  “I grew up in Austria and was very aware of Kristallnacht, or the Night of Broken Glass. It was a night of rampage against the Jews carried out in 1938 by the Nazi equivalent of the Proud Boys.² Wednesday was the Day of Broken Glass right here in the United States. The broken glass was in the windows of the United States Capitol. But the mob did not just shatter the windows of the Capitol. It has shattered the ideals we took for granted. They did not just break down the doors of the building that housed American democracy. They trampled the very principles on which our country was founded… It all started with lies, and lies, and lies, and intolerance. So, being from Europe, I've seen firsthand how things can spin out of control.”

• New Arnie (2021), perhaps channeling his father, excoriating people who resisted injection with an experimental gene therapy that was neither safe nor effective:
  “SCREW YOUR FREEDOM!!!”
  

To be fair, Arnie never met an injection he didn’t like. And, he has stayed pretty consistent when it comes to profligate promiscuity.

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My word, what an exciting trip down memory lane! It is almost like we were talking to two different people when it came to his views on American freedom. And that is precisely why two-faced Arnold Schwarzenegger is our second annual recipient of the coveted Harvey Dent Award.

[I take the award trophy off the podium and hand it to Mr. Schwarzenegger, who smiles widely and mock curls it before it lifting it over his head. The star-studded audience erupts in applause.]

With that, I would like to thank everyone for attending this evening’s festivities. I am humbled and honored to have been in such esteemed company. Who knows? With a little bit of persistence and a whole lot of pandering, you too could find yourself on the red carpet! But, whether you are in the audience or at the podium, I look forward to seeing you all again at the next, highly anticipated… Harvey Dent Awards!

1. To revisit past Harvey Dent Award ceremonies, click here! There may even be a few cocktails and hors d’oeuvres left over if you hurry.

2. Editor’s Note: Really take a moment to think about that one.