Make Olympics Greek Again!

#MOGA #quickie

This will be a short post, by my standards. I just wanted to share a quick idea I had that grew beyond a simple note, but frankly had not quite developed into one of my full-fledged posts. Kind of like when Britney was no longer a girl, but not yet a woman.

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I recently had the misfortune of overhearing a news segment where athletes were complaining about the water quality of the River Seine in France, where apparently an Olympic is going to be held soon. It seems the athletes don’t want to swim in toxic waste or some such crybaby nonsense.

“Boo hoo hoo! I dedicated my entire life to the pursuit of peak human health and fitness. I don’t want to swim in the French equivalent of an abandoned Chernobyl reactor. Waaaah!” one athlete probably said.

I guess these dumb jocks were too busy doing push ups or jumping jacks or whatever they measure at the Olympics to make time for reading comic books like us nerds cool kids, because otherwise they’d know that not only does radiation definitely not make you sick, it actually gives you superpowers! Like Spider-Man… or Toxie! Imagine how many jumping jacks these pituitary retards could do then! Surely enough to win at least a gold medal. Maybe even an adamantium one.

I distinctly remember similar handwringing about similar health concerns in Russia and Brazil and China and pretty much everywhere they held an Olympic. Each country does some stupid PR stunt where they splash around in the sludge a little bit and give a thumbs up, people keep bellyaching, they hold the goofy games anyway, and then the three people other than me who noticed all this in the first place forget for four years until we repeat this little dance anew.

It’s dumb.

So, solutions-oriented lyre that I am, I have figured out how to fix this in a way that is in no way biased toward my proud, Hellenic heritage:

We build a permanent Olympic site in Greece and use that for all Olympics moving forward.

No exceptions. No more wasting time or money flying around the world every few years like the Street Fighter II character select screen only to drop people in the same effluent-filled rivers anyway.

Look, I’ll level with you, Greece hasn’t exactly been crushing it as of late. Austerity didn’t go over gangbusters, and our GDP is still comparable to the spare change found in a Cleveland payphone. The last time we had the Olympics we had to cull a billion stray dogs just so tourists weren’t devoured in broad daylight like Abdul Alhazred by Hounds of Tindalos in a Damascus courtyard.

We need this. We deserve this. Sure, we haven’t done anything since then, but we did invent the stupid Olympic Games, for Zeus’s sake! C’mon, world, let us have this one!

I know other countries like the tourist money and politicians like being able to give lucrative, kick-back deals to their cousin Vinnie and his construction company to build a bunch of rickety skating rinks and jumping jack dojos that are just going to collapse in a couple of years and end up derelict and filled with homeless people and stray dogs anyway. But, stop being so selfish, and think of poor, ol’ Greece! All we have is sponge fishing and olive oil exports.

And, listen, if any country is going to perform some creepy, pagan, gay Olympic opening ceremony with people cosplaying as a balls-out, blue Dionysus, then—by Zeus!—it should be Greece not France. After all, not only did we invent the Olympics, we also invented gayness.

Sacré bleu!